Computer Says No
It was funny when television sketch show 'Little Britain' said it. Now they are legislating 'Computer Says No' into the heart of our homes. We are not laughing now.
Computer Says No
We find ourselves inhabiting a new world where we contract out human activity to machines. Technology has and does change us. It changes how we interact, how we perceive and how we think. Or even whether we think. Increasingly, Computer Says No. Systems, policies, procedures stand in the way, and order the way of the simplest, most innocent of human intentions. They make more work for us with all their efficiency and supposed time saving gimmickry.
Recently, an elderly couple found themselves ensnared within the world wide web of systems, machines and technology. One of them has poor sight and mobility, the other, a limited grasp of smart phone capabilities. They needed to return an item they had ordered online. (Returns are easy!) The only option presented to them was to take the package to the post office and show the QR code on the phone, or to print out the code and stick it on the package. There was no returns address, no packing slip. So, to them, very confusing. To the young moderns, it means minimum effort and thought and so suits them. However, to the less mobile or elderly this presented an insurmountable hurdle.
Why not permit the ability to write out the address clearly on the parcel and enclose the details inside it? Because that is too easy, and they cannot track you. (But why do they need to ‘track you?’ I hear you ask. We’ll come back to that). The couple could not fathom email on a phone, and therefore no QR code could be presented. Their printer ‘needed a part’ and they were waiting for it to arrive. The strange looking squiggle on the computer screen (QR code) appeared to be one giant error. They thought something was wrong, and it made things stressful and worrying.
Furthermore, there was no possibility of forwarding the retailer’s email on to someone who could deal with it as the retailer’s security system stepped in and would not allow it. This was (sort of) good, it did mean they had some protection against rogues. But these systems have no flexibility, no human judgement. Even when there is a good reason, Computer Says No.
I see unfolding before me a miserable vision for the elderly, confusion, feeling stressed, out of control, exasperated at seeing the most common sensical of procedures disappearing for no reason they could comprehend.
It was funny when television sketch show Little Britain said it. Computer Says No. We are not laughing now.
The Little Britain show has had frequent admonishments due to their making fun of the men who dress up as ‘laydees.’ However, I have now realised that the real reason has to be the revelation in the repeated sketch of the bored receptionist (played by David Walliams) declaring ‘computer says no.’ Looking back, the sketch groans with the truth about what has now become our world.
Here is another example. Klarna the Swedish payment system that allows you to pay in instalments is a case in point. I tried to buy something using the Klarna system which needed to be exchanged. These days, you cannot phone the company and ask to exchange an item like you used to. You have to return and order again, and so I started the ‘return process.’ However, I got the Computer Says No moment when I attempted to re-order the new item. Big loud letters informed me that my transaction had been declined and that they would not be giving me a reason for it, so do not bother trying to find out. A sale lost then. Do they care? No. To cite another comedy catchphrase, Am I bovvered? No they are not.
How about this for Computer Says No. Post Klarna, I ventured into the world of Vinted. I found something interesting and clicked ‘buy now.’ There is a ‘buyer protection fee’ added to the price. I decided to have it delivered to the local Inpost locker. It may have been the ’green’ option, however, I now rather think of ‘green’ as in naïve. When the time came for me to collect, instead of the fairly bulky package I was expecting, in its place was a wafer-thin package that was clearly not mine. Computer said No. After being dismissed by Inpost, ‘It’s Vinted thing,’ I embarked upon a lengthy series of text messages, like a slow-motion virtual game of ping pong. Naturally, Vinted claimed it was ‘an Inpost thing.’ Of course they did. Nobody can be responsible. That is why they have machines and systems to blame. Computers to Say No.
Vinted have no customer service to speak of. They have an automated system that throws out quite rude and threatening exhortations not to keep messaging them and then to send them whatever PROOF they want within 24 hours or “your case will be closed and the transaction completed.” (Code for: you lose your money, buyer protection fee notwithstanding). It is unpleasant to say the least. It is also ineffective from the customer point of view. All this technology, all this tracking and after a week of wrangling ping pong Computer Says No anyway.
I muse that somebody somewhere has got a pair of Lucy and Yak trousers and I have a five-year-old child’s T shirt instead. Surely this could be sent on to the rightful purchaser, I attempted to put to Vinted helpfully. “We do not handle the logistics” the auto reply said. In other words: Computer Says No – again.
This particular experience really brought the inhuman aspect to the fore. Apparently, these sorts of experiences are common. At the Inpost locker, the shopkeeper, a warm hearted and kind woman, allowed me to use her phone, because (guess what) mine said ‘no’ when I tried to dial the customer service ‘helpline.’ She told me of the frequent stories of misplaced parcels, mis-tracked items, disappointed and worried customers waiting on goods they had purchased in good faith and might likely struggle to afford. Her simple act of trust in me not to make off with her phone made a frustrating experience more tolerable.
The public face of Vinted is modern, European, business-like, successful, ‘ethical’ – giving new life to used garments, ‘where fashion does not cost the earth’ (yawn). Smiling young entrepreneurs in soulless settings raking in the profits of an overly-automated service to the tune of millions of pounds, euros, dollars and the like. That money comprises of all those buyer protection fees by the way, a mafia-style misnomer if ever there was one.
Increasingly, I am noticing that many companies care not a jot about customer service and the customer is not ‘always right’ in their view. Quite the reverse. Customers now have to prove that they are worthy enough to purchase from them. Take the recent de-banking revelations. It cannot be long before Computer Says No at your restaurant, your supermarket, a shoe shop, as it does with your mail order Klarna set up. They are not at all concerned with losing custom it seems. It is You who should be wary of losing your digital credit score and You who should worry about your carbon footprint score or whatever is coming down the line.
And that dear reader, is why the elderly couple’s return had to be tracked.
We know what is coming down the line. Incrementally, they are getting us trained into the system, the New World Order. The Fourth Reich. As always, it is convenience that will get us in the end.
In an ironic twist, all of this computer tech horror only serves to highlight the binary code underpinning these Computer Says No woes; and it does so in a world where the youngsters are falling over themselves to display their non-binary credentials. Moreover, theirs is a world view that refuses to tolerate the word ‘No’ if it is in any way directed at their desires and fantasies.
In the ultimate move towards Computer Says No and what we could designate a zero infused world view, we in the real Little Britain have just seen our government pass the Energy act. Here the state has awarded itself unprecedented powers over our energy use with real menacing threats built into legislation. There has been no public consultation and His Majesty’s opposition is not really an opposition because they never oppose anything. We learned this lesson during the Covidian house arrest when the curtains of pretence fell down to reveal a uniparty beholden to the WEF/UN/WHO conglomerate and their New World Order of total control.
They are legislating Computer Says No into the heart of our homes with so-called smart appliances that they will be able to control and switch off should we be using too much energy, or using it at the wrong time. Computer says No!
The technology will serve to contract out all responsibility for the inevitable pain and heartache this wretched internet of things will cause. The system will mean that you will never find the person to blame for the power cuts, the computer failures, the battery explosions, the sudden unexplained deaths, the spoiled food, the accidents in the dark, the hypothermic elderly, train failures, car crashes and a myriad of other nightmares. The criminal politicians (who know perfectly well what they are doing) will merely shrug and tell us, ‘It wasn’t me guv, Computer Says No.’
So the question arises. When are we going to start saying NO?
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People need to stop using the technology. It's really quite simple. Even young people need to stop. Although I realise they won't because they think it's all very modern! But older people, the ones with the property, the money, the time, need to stop playing the game. My husband works for a fintech start-up and they used to have everything, all the information, on inhouse computers which meant nothing could be hacked or stolen or lost. Then a salesman convinced them to "Put it all on the Cloud" and now they pay a fortune to have it all vanish into the ether with all the hacking, stealing and losing opportunities that provides. Modern technology is merely re-inventing the wheel for people who have forgotten about wheels or are too young to remember them. Use cash. Buy from people you can see. Don't sign up to anything to do with the Internet of Things. If enough people stop playing, the powers that be will be helpless to enforce any of this rubbish!
I spend a fair amount of time these days thinking about a return to barter...